


I lost my way (and found myself at yours)

by CutesyMe



Series: Found You [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Again, Homosexuality, I still don't know how to use tags, Identity Issues, M/M, Pining, and which ones to use, dark haired michael, supressed feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 08:17:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4053028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CutesyMe/pseuds/CutesyMe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael didn't treat Calum differently, he always talked to him and touched him the way he always used to do, but that was exactly Calum's problem. He couldn't understand how the kiss didn't affect Michael at all, while it affected Calum in every way possible. </p><p> (Or the one where Michael explored and Calum discovered)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I lost my way (and found myself at yours)

**Author's Note:**

> I know I wanted to post the lashton side of "I need you to stay" next but then Michael dyed his hair black and I just had to write this, okay?

 

 

It started out as innocent as possible, and thinking back now Calum can't even tell _how_ exactly it started, only that it was his best friends Michael's fault. Calum understood that the two of them went through a lot of weird stuff with and because of each other, but the minute Calum had offered to help Michael in this problem, he should have known what would happen and should have said no.

Calum was Michael's best friend and when Calum offered him to help him figure out if he was gay or not, Michael should have denied his offer because wasn't there some unwritten law that you _do not_ kiss you _best friend_ because that would make things awkward between them. Besides that it wasn't. It was only for Calum. And that confused Calum even more.

Since that day Calum has thought about what happened multiple times a day, just like now. He remembers exactly how Michael and he were only sitting at the end of Calum's bed in his room and were playing FIFA, and out of nowhere Michael blurted out. "How do you know if you're gay?"

Calum was so startled he stopped playing for a moment in which Michael knew what happened but still used the situation to his advantage to score a goal, and then turned to Calum, asking in a innocent soundig voice. "Why did you stop playing?"

Calum shook his head, picking up his controller correctly in his hands and turned towards the TV again. He didn't know what to say. Michael was nineteen years old, the two of them were living together in an apartment, since almost a year now, and even though it wouldn't change things between them, Calum just wondered why on earth Michael was questioning his sexuality _now_.

Yeah there are people who realize it after they have married, have children, a great job and still aren't happy, and that's when they notice that something else is stopping them from getting happy. So Calum admitted nineteen was a good age to maybe realize that someones sexuality wasn't what they thought so far and as long as it would keep Michael from marrying the wrong persona and leading a life he was unhappy in for years. So yeah, Calum was okay with that.

"So, you wanna know if you're gay or not?" Calum asked after a while, and out of the corner of his eyes he could see Michael smile a little, almost relieved. Did he think Calum would judge him? Did he still think that? Calum had to ask later.

"I mean, yeah. I've just been questioning lately. Since that party last Saturday when I kissed Josh, you know?"

Yeah Calum did know. Maybe the day was a little too well engraved into his mind. Calum made an agreeing sound and waited for Michael to continue, which he never did.

"And did you like the kiss?" Calum inquired after a while of silence.

"Well, maybe not the kiss on itself because both of us were drunk and thinking back the kiss was gross and sloppy, but there was some kind of satisfaction and excitement in the fact that I was kissing a boy," Michael admitted, his gaze fixed on the TV.

"And do you think you're gay now or not?"

"Well maybe not gay because I still like girls somewhat but maybe bisxual or pansexual."

"Okay so where is the problem now?""That I don't know if I liked kissing Josh, which I doubt, if I only _think_ I liked it because I was drunk or if I truly am also into boys now or not, and I don't know how to find out."

"Well, if you were really into boys you'd like kissing almost any boy that you kiss, right?" Calum asked, Michael noticing the hesitation in his voice.

"I guess so," Michael admitted shyly.

"So that means even me."For the first time since that conversation started Michael pauses the game, turning to Calum with a furrowed brows and confusion in his eyes. "What do you want to say?" he asked.

"Maybe you could kiss me and if you like it you'll know. As long as you want to. I just thought about where we could get a boy now that would be ready to kiss you so you can find out, and then I thought I'd do it, so yeah," Calum rambled.

"You would?"

"For my best friend anything."

Michael smiled fondly as he whispered a small yeah, and for a moment the two of them only sat there, facing each other, Michael waiting for Calum to realize it was a mistake and to say so, but he didn't.

And then Michael made the first step rather too eager and too fluent, there was no hesitation in his moves but Calum couldn't want it any different as Michael was on his knees in front of him and got closer by every second, his gaze fixated on Calum's lips that sent chills down his spine and made him eager. But before anything could happened, Michael halted right in front of Calum and looked up into his eyes to see if there might be any kind of hesitation written in them.

When Calum made no attempts to back off or voice any second thoughts about it, Michael closed the gap and let his lips pressed to Calum's for a second before he finally moved them against them. And if Calum thought Michael pressing his lips to his was an incredibly pleasant feeling then Michael moving his lips against Calum's caused an inferno of overwhelming emotions that left him no other option than to kiss back. It was his body reacting, he had no control.

Michael tilted his head to have better access to Calum's lips and Calum suppressed a moan at the feeling of Michael's plump lips against his own. He always thought they looked great but they felt so much more amazing.

One second Michael was still on his knees, only kissing Calum, and the next second he was straddling Calum's crotch, hands around his neck while Calum's were buried in Michael's blue hair, holding him close.

And it was when Michael pulled back because the little air in their lungs that both of them needed desperately was all used up, that it took Calum his whole will power not to follow Michael's lips to capture them again with his own in a chaste kiss. They looked in each others eyes for quite a while, panting, cheasts heaving all too fast, and Calum didn't know why but he almost expected Michael to kiss him again, and the more it hurt when Michael sat on his spot again, controller in his hand and waiting for Calum to pick up his own. So Calum did.

They played for a while, a million thoughts running through Calum's head that made him unable to concentrate on the game and lose, and suddenly he was happy that he lost the two games before that too because it would cover up his distraughtness.

"What is it now?" Calum suddenly blurted out his thought.

"Hm?"

"Are you into boys now or not?"

"I guess I am," Michael admitted and Calum didn't know whether to be happy about that or not. "We still have leftover pizza, right? Do you want some?"

Michael shut off the Playstation 4, walking into the kitchen and letting Calum alone with his chaos.

**~**

The next days were spent with Michael as noncholant about everything as if nothing had ever happened while Calum's world had been put upside down. He didn't know how to act around Michael anymore, every touch of the blue haired boy sending chills up his spine and causing an inferno of feelings in Calum.

Everything became so unnecessarily complicated after the kiss that Calum regretted offering it. They still had their moments where they played FIFA together, watched a movie on the couch while goofing around or fought over what take out to eat, but there was an awkwardness, a stiffness to everything they did together.

Michael didn't treat Calum differently, he always talked to him and touched him the way he always used to do, but that was exactly Calum's problem. He couldn't understand how the kiss didn't affect Michael at all, while it affected Calum in every way possible.

Calum thought about talking to Michael about the kiss, trying to ask as subtle as possible if it woke any feelings inside him for Calum, but he didn't know how to do it without giving away what his real thoughts were. Was it even normal to ask that after your best friend had kissed you. Calum had his doubts.

So in order for things to not get any weirder than they already were, Calum tried to forget it happened. That was why the next days were spent with Calum occupying himself as best as possible. He went jogging, to the gym, tried to spend not a lot time alone with Michael, working overtime and studying more in the library of his uni.

The thing that went wrong with this was that Michael one day cornered him in the kitchen when he was making himself cereal and asked him. "Are you avoiding me?"

Calum felt trapped, the only way out was past Michael and even if he would make it he couldn't without letting Michael think that Calum was avoiding him - which was the truth but he couldn't let Michael know that.

"What?" he squeaked. "No. Why would you think that?"

Michael made a gesture with his hands that said that it was pretty obvious. "You spend a lot more time outside than you used to."

"No. Everything is fine Michael," Calum assured. "I'm perfectly fine."

And Calum thought he was, he made himself believe he was, until one day he couldn't anymore.

**~**

It was a normal day for Calum, well as normal as it was after he had kissed Michael, on which he came back exhausted from a tiring day full of uni and work, and only wanted to watch some trash TV while stuffing fast food into his mouth, but that plan was cancelled the minute he came in through the front door. The cause for it was Michael. 

Well it actually was Michael's new hair colour that made him even hotter than he was before. He was standing in the hallway next to the door to the living room and was fixing his hair in the mirror. Black was just Michael's, and Calum remembers exactly how good Michael used to look with that colour back when he was sixteen, but this time it hit Calum like a brick in the face. This time a lot more supressed feelings for his best friend were involved, that made it impossible for him to not be affected by it.

Michael noticed Calum standing there in the doorway and made eye contact with him in the mirror before he turned around.

"Hey," Michael spoke up.

"Hey," Calum mumbled back, finally being able to move, and closed the door.

"Does it look bad?" Michael asked. Calum could hear all the nervousness and unsureness in his voice, he knew that Michael felt insecure about it, and would have loved to hug and kiss it all away, feeling as if words wouldn't be able to prove how blown away Calum was.

Calum shook his head. "You look good, really good. The I-would-bang-you-good." The last thing was a slip up, but before Calum could regret it he saw the way Michael's face lit up and decided it was worth it and that he would do it again.

The fond smile on Michael's lips turned to a smirk and he winked at Calum before he said. "You perfectly described yourself." And then he disappeared into the living room, leaving a baffled Calum behind.

It took another ten seconds for Calum to move, and he incoherently said into the direction of the living room that he was tired and wanted to sleep. The thing was that Calum didn't do as he said, he just _couldn't_. Eating and sleeping were long forgotten the minute his eyes had landed on Michael. All of his hard work from the past days to supress his feelings for Michael were destroyed. He didn't know what to do anymore.

When Calum woke up the next day he sighed immediately when remembered that he dreamt of Michael. It wasn't a dirty one but the fluff in it was actually worse and Calum would have prefered the first one. The next thing he remembered was that he was meeting up with Luke today, which he actually was glad about.

It was 11am and a Saturday, and usually Michael was up early on Saturdays because he loved watching the reruns of Dragonball on TV, but today Calum saw him neither in the living room nor in the kitchen. He went to Michael's room and saw him laying on his bed illuminated by the bright sunlight.

For the first time since what felt like ever to Calum, he could stand next to his best friend and admire him without worrying. Michael's usually pale skin looked even paler in contrast to the black hair, and Calum dared to softly touch it with his fingertips, a little more of his fingers slipping into the hair.

Calum felt like he was in some kind of Disney movie, and maybe he should have felt like a creep because he always thought that prince in The Sleeping Beauty or in Snow White were creepy when they were observing their princesses like that, but suddenly he could understand why they did it.

And maybe Calum thought that Snow White perfectly described how Michael looked like, skin white as snow, hair black as ebony, and maybe he realized a little too late that thinking about lips red as blood when they were _Michael's_ lips wasn't a good idea when he wanted to forget that he might have feelings for his best friend, but his eyes were already fixated on Michael's lips.

They literally were red, maybe not as red as blood but indeed a lighter red. Calum had noticed a phenomena already that Michael's lips sometimes suited his hair colour, for example when he had pink hair they were pink and when his hair was red they were _red_. And now they were red again, and Calum loved it.

He was now sitting next to Michael on his bed and was coming closer to Michael's face with his own, almost in a trance and forgetting about a lot of things in this moment. He could remember it if he backed away and made a little effort but he didn't want to. Michael was even more beautiful from this close and Calum wanted to enjoy that.

Calum didn't know what he was thinking of doing but he also didn't want to. Calum and thinking when it came to Michael didn't end well the last days and he didn't want to ruin _this_. But what Calum didn't expect was for Michael to open his eyes and look directly into his.

Calum took in a sharp breath when Michael's green orbs met his brown ones, and stared down at Michael wide eyed, waiting for Michael to say something. He gulped when Michael moved a little, closing his eyes when he stretched himself a little, but Calum remained exactly where he was.

"Hey," Michael whispered, and Calum realized two things. 1. He didn't know what he expected from Michael but definitely not that and 2. that he didn't know anything in the past few days when it came to Michael.

"Hey," Calum whispered back.

"What are you doing here?" Michael asked as he raised a hand to caress Calum's cheek with the back of his fingers.

Calum gulped loudly and exhaled a shaky breath, leaning softly into Michael's touch.

"Wanted to see if you're awake."

Michael made a humming sound and focused on his hand on Calum's cheek as he held eye contact with him. Calum leaned into his touch, gripping Michael's arm with his hand. Michael's hand wandered to the back of Calum's neck and pulled him closer by it, and Calum imagined how Michael would softly kiss the corner of his mouth with his lips and then leave a trail of open mouthed kisses down to his neck.

When Calum realized what he was doing and that his semi hard was poking out a little, he backed off instantly, surprising Michael with it.

"We should get breakfast. I have to leave then," Calum mumbled as he made his way out of Michael's room.

**~**

Currently Calum had his head buried in his arms and was trying to calm down by breathing in the familiar smell of coffee. Luke was sitting in front of him and didn't know what to say after his best friend had spilled the whole story to him _right after_ they had taken a seat.

"So, you think you like Mikey?" Luke asked to make sure he understood it the right way. "Like in the more of friends kind of way."

Calum didn't make the effort to lift his head and say something, only making an agreeing sound.

"And what is so bad about that?"

" _What so bad about this is?"_ Calum's head snapped up, scaring Luke. "That he is my best friend, Hemmings. _My best friend_."

"I thought _I_ was your best friend," Luke mumbled and sounded genuinely hurt.

"Really? There are other problems," Calum whined, burying his head in his arms again.

"I'm not even sure you like Michael," Luke said, confusing Calum.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you sure you like _him_ or only think you like him because you shared a good kiss with him _right after_ he admitted to being gay? And are _you_ gay or only gay for him?" Luke made it sound as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"How do I find out?" Calum questioned confused.

"Like Michael did. Just not with Michael this time."

"And who do you suggest I kiss? _You_?"

"Why wouldn't you want to kiss me?" Luke asked, pouting and sounding hurt again.

"Because I don't want another mess like this one."

"Hey, sorry to break it to you but I don't like you in that way. How can I when there is Ashton?"

"And Ashton won't mind?" Calum asked carefully.

And that was how Calum found himself sitting on a park bench next to Luke while the sky looked like it could rain any moment, and waiting for Ashton's answer, who they had texted ten minutes ago. When Luke's phone announced with a bing the arrival of a message, Calum's heart started thumping louder against his chest as Luke read the message and smiled cheekily against his phone.

"He doesn't mind," Luke then proceeded to tell Calum.

"Why are you smiling like that?" Calum inquired, not trusting his friend quiet.

Luke shook his head, the smile still plastered on his face as he turned to Calum. "Nothing important. Just a small insider. Ready?" he asked to change the topic, and he succeeded. Calum nodding hesitantly.

"Relax. It'll be more fun that way, yeah?" Luke whispered as he inched closer to Calum, latter being slightly turned on by how deep Luke's voice sounded.

Calum leaned in, tiliting his head to the side and closing his eyes when Luke's lips finally captured his. Luke's lips were a lot softer than Michael's yet strong, and when he started moving them against Calum's he didn't feel the inferno of feelings he did with Michael, but he felt himself getting closer to Luke and cupping his cheeks to hold him close.

Luke moaned into Calum's mouth and Calum knew he was doing it to mess with him because the kiss wasn't that amazing. That was until Luke slipped his tongue past Calum's lips and tugged at his hair, that made Calum moan involutarily.

"Someone's a little kinky," Luke mumbled against Calum's lips, not giving him some time to respond as he moved his lips against Calum's again.

Calum whined at what Luke said, glad that he didn't expect an answer. They kissed for a while until Calum's lips were hurting from how harsh Luke was sucking on them but he still _liked_ it, loved that a _boy_ was doing that to him. And it was a plus that it was such a hot boy.

When Luke pulled away, Calum felt a little disoriented and was happy that they were in the cold outside, the cool breeze feeling good against his skin. He closed his eyes to calm down and pressed his lips into a thin line.

"And how was it?" Luke asked, Calum opening his eyes to look at him.

The kiss hadn't affected Luke as much as it had Calum and he wondered what was going down in the bedroom with Luke and Ashton because Luke seemed so dominant but he was always sure that that was Ashton's role. Now he wasn't sure anymore.

"It was good," Calum admitted, Luke smiling proudly. "There weren't as much feelings involved as it did with Michael but it still had an effect on me."

"That I can see," Luke laughed and Calum tried to hide his boner. "But do you like Michael?"

"I'm not sure about anything anymore."

"Now there is only one way to find out. You have to fuck him."

Calum was sure his eyes almost popped out of his head and that his heartbeat could be seen against his chest when Luke suggested that.

"What?" he squeaked.

"What? You wanna find out if you like Michael then do something with him. At least you should kiss him. But all of that will end horribly if _he_ has feelings for _you_."

Calum groaned at that loudly. "That wasn't even something that I had ever considered."

"It'll be fine." Luke pat his friends shoulder as he sank against him and tried to console him.

That day when Calum came back home, happy to be entering the warmth of his home, Michael was still there and the minute his eyes landed on Calum he forgot what he wanted to say and stared at him until Calum asked him if everything was alright.

"Yeah, I just- Didn't you say you wanted to meet up with Luke?" Michael stuttered.

"Yeah, why?"

"No, just wondering. Do you wanna watch a movie?"

"Yeah. I'll just change and then I'm there," Calum said and walked to his room, immediately looking at himself in the mirror.

He darned himself when he saw that his lips definitely looked kissed, and swore to hit Luke when he saw him the next time. He definitely used Calum's weakness against him. Calum changed into some comfy sweatspants and a sweater and walked into the living room. Michael was waiting for him and smiled at Calum as he took a seat next to Michael.

The movie started and neither paid any attention to it, both of them being too busy stealing glances from each other and smiling bashfully at each other. It was half an hour into the movie when Calum stopped it and turned to Michael.

"Can I ask you something? It's about the kiss." he questioned carefully and continued when Michael nodded. "I kissed Luke today."

The soft _oh_ that left Michael's lips surprised Calum and so did the way how Michael's face fell. And he continued. "Because since we kissed I couldn't shake off the feeling of how the kiss felt and _what_ I _felt_ when we were kissing. Then Luke asked if I like you or kissing a boy and that's why we kissed after Ashton allowed it, and even though I liked it I couldn't get our kiss out of my mind. And I feel like I have to know if I like you or not or I will just die."

Michael does nothing else but to nod after Calum has ended his rambling until Calum made a face that urged him to say something. "What do you want me to do?"

"Luke said you might like me, do you?" Calum asked and his heart started beating faster when Michael nodded.

"How much will it hurt you if I tried to find out if I liked you or not?"

"I think it would hurt more if you didn't try to find out at all," Michael admitted, and Calum didn't need more to surge forward and press his lips to Michael's.

This time Calum was prepared for the feel of Michael's lips against his and even though they felt familiar and so did the feelings he got, they still felt a lot better than in Calum's memory.

Michael pulled Calum onto his lap and rested his hands on Calum's hips while Calum snaked them around Michael's shoulders in an attempt to pull the older boy closer. Calum was the first to let his tongue slide against Michael's lips to ask for entrance, what even surprised him, but both of them knew that this kiss was a lot hungrier than their first one. Michael granted him the access he asked for and moaned quietly against his lips, his fingers digging into the skin of Calum's hips.

Calum moaned at that, breaking the kiss and moving his hips against Michael's crotch, the friction making both of them go crazy. Michael rested his head against the couch, Calum sucking at the newly revealed skin of his neck and simultaneously rolling his hips repeatedly against Michael's.

Both of them were a panting mess now, chests heaving hard, and then Michael halted Calum's hips movements with his hands, a whine leaving Calum's lips at that.

He looked at Michael questioningly and it was written all over his face that he wanted to continue but asked. "What's wrong?"

"I guess we should stop here until we're both hundred percently _sure_ that this is what we want," Michael said, and Calum let his head fall against Michael's shoulder with a groan, Michael engulfing him with his arms, but he knew that Michael was right.

When Calum went to pull back, Michael stopped him from it and whispered, almost pleaded."Just a second yeah? Don't want to let go yet."

Calum nodded and put his arms around Michael's shoulders, both of them cuddling in that situation for a while. It was horror, it really was horror to go to bed that night alone although Calum knew Michael was _so_ close.

The next day when Calum woke up he sighed when he remembered everything that had happened last night and walked into the kitchen, where Michael was already eating some toast. He looked at Calum and Calum could see how nervous and anxious he was so he smiled at him reassuringly and stole his toast from his hand, mumbling as he sat down next to him. "Sharing is caring."

Michael smiled at him and pushed him playfully. "Get your own toast."

The next days were spent with them acting all domestic and couply. Calum pecked Michael's cheek when he went out to meet Luke - who was wincing when he was walking and by the way he did it the events of yesterday night that went down between him and Ashton could be guessed easily - and Calum pecked Michael's cheek when he came home. They cuddled a lot more often on the couch with each other. The pecks on the cheek turning to pecks on the lips and the cuddling on the couch to cuddling in one of their beds and ending up sleeping there.

It was not until they had another sudden make out session that Calum pulled back, hovering over Michael, and stared into his eyes.

"What?" Michael asked.

"I am trying to figure out if I could be more sure about this," Calum admitted, Michael smiling widely. "Michael?"

Even though Michael knew where this was going to end, he still wanted to hear it. "Yes?"

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

Michael smiled even wider, surprised that this was even possible, and pulled Calum down for a kiss. "Yes," he mumbled against his lips.

And even though Calum had woken up a lot of times next to Michael it was the first day he woke up as Michael's boyfriend, what he still couldn't believe. And when Michael slowly stirred awake in Calum's arm, Calum smiled down at him, Michael smiling right back at him, and Calum pulled him closer by his waist, mumbling, "Man, I can't wait to do this every day for the rest of my life." 

\-----------

( _From_ :  _Ashton               Sent: 04:30_

_I dare you to. I dare you to kiss Calum and come back when I can still taste him on you but you'll be screaming my name. I dare you Luke)_

**Author's Note:**

> And yeah, the oh so famous I kissed my friend and now I am gay for him.
> 
> And yeah that was the message why Luke was smiling so cheekily.
> 
> Hope you guys liked it.
> 
> Here my tumblr if you want to do whatever you want to on tumblr http://oneletterandathousandwords.tumblr.com/


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